Difficult Colleagues
How to stand your ground and move the conversation forward
Image: pexels Mikhail Nilov
In this issue of “Thinking and Working Differently”, we discuss how to navigate interactions with an aggressive colleague, who doubts our competence and seems to push every button we have. With the right approach, even these interactions can become opportunities for growth and greater resilience. Let’s explore how to set boundaries, turn criticism into an advantage, and build the confidence to handle these situations.
In a recent workshop about listening skills, someone raised a question that hit a nerve: “What do you do when the person you are supposed to listen to is obnoxious? Someone who criticizes your every move, undermines your competence, and makes it hard to stay professional?” Around the room, heads nodded in recognition. It was clear that most of us had encountered that difficult colleague who tested our patience, made us second-guess ourselves, and left us wondering how to maintain our professionalism when our expertise was questioned.
To handle these challenging conversations gracefully, the work often starts within us—just as it does in many tough situations. Let’s explore a few practical tools.
1. Identify the trigger and what emotions it causes within you
Oftentimes, a negative past encounter with a difficult colleague makes even their presence feel triggering, stirring up emotions like frustration, impatience, or anger—long before the conversation starts. These feelings are natural but can create a bias rooted in your shared history.
To counter this, start by identifying and naming the emotion you feel. Then ask yourself:
What if, instead of focusing on being right, I entered this conversation with the intention of understanding the other person?
Take a deep breath, or maybe two, and start listening. Stay attentive to any judgments that pop up, and if you find yourself assuming the worst, pause, refocus, and bring your attention back to the conversation. Stay curious!
2. Reframe the criticism into something constructive: tame your inner voice
We often rush to see criticism as negative—sometimes even as a personal attack. No wonder our first instinct is to get defensive. This reaction makes sense; our brains are wired to respond to perceived danger with fight or flight. But here is the catch: while this reflex might have helped our ancestors survive, it does not do much for building stronger relationships or solving problems in today’s world.
The good news is we are not powerless against criticism. How we choose to frame the other person´s words makes all the difference. We can see it as a personal attack—someone trying to outshine us and win the argument—or we can strip away the emotional layer and uncover what is there. Is there a kernel of truth, a point worth considering? Look past the colleague’s tone or delivery style and focus on the message. Even harsh or unfair remarks can sometimes spotlight growth opportunities—whether it means refining your point of view, uncovering your blind spots, or improving how things run at work.
Take charge of the situation by choosing to respond thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively.
A brief pause to mentally reframe the interaction can help you stay calm, maintain your professionalism, and shift the balance of power away from an aggressive colleague.
Confident, fact-focused responses can steer the conversation back on track. For example, you could use some of these suggestions:
“I hear your concerns. Let’s review the data to clarify things.”
“That is an interesting perspective. I would be glad to walk you through the reasoning behind my approach.”
These phrases project calm authority, keep the dialogue constructive and ensure the conversation stays rooted in facts, not emotions.
3. Define your boundaries and communicate them clearly
Setting clear boundaries can reshape the entire tone of a conversation. If you are dealing with constant interruptions, disrespect, or attacks from a colleague, do not shy away from speaking up. Be direct about what works for you in a conversation—and just as importantly, what does not. The key is to communicate your boundaries clearly, concisely, and assertively. Here are some phrases to help you take control and establish those limits:
“I would like to finish my point before we dive into that.”
“Could we take turns sharing our ideas? I want to ensure everyone’s perspective is heard.”
“I can see this matters to you. Let’s make sure we are understanding each other clearly.”
“It is clear we both want to solve this problem. Let’s focus on the facts.”
If tensions rise and the situation escalates, taking a break can help defuse the situation:
“I need a moment to reflect on what you have just shared. Let’s revisit this in a few minutes.”
Above all, remember that respect is non-negotiable.
4. Accept the person for who they are
Let’s be honest: we cannot change people. If your colleague remains obnoxious despite your best efforts, you may be dealing with someone who simply is nasty or not open to change.
In such cases, it might be worth escalating the issue to your supervisor or Human Resources. But even then, some people will not budge. If that happens, focus on protecting your well-being. Make peace with the situation, seek recognition for your work and ideas from others who value them, and do not let this person undermine your confidence or self-esteem. Their behavior says more about them than it does about you.
The Challenge for the next 14 days
This challenge is not for the faint of heart—it will take courage. Are you up for it?
In your next interaction with a difficult colleague, especially when you feel disrespected, take a stand and assert your boundaries. Pay attention to how you feel when you speak up, and observe how your colleague responds. Then, in your next encounter, reflect on whether their behavior or the relationship´s dynamic has shifted compared to before.
It is a bold move, but the potential to change the tone of your interactions is worth it.
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