Difficult Colleagues Part 2: When the Conversation Hits a Wall
Practical steps for involving others without adding fuel to the fire
Image Pixabay
In our previous Newsletter” Difficult Colleagues: How to Stand Your Ground and Move the Conversation Forward”, we discussed how to handle those colleagues who seem determined to push all your buttons, undermine your competence, and make it tough to stay professional and cool. But what if you have already tried setting boundaries, addressing the behavior, and staying calm, yet nothing seems to change?
Sometimes, the next step is involving someone else like HR, a mediator, or a supervisor, to help resolve the issue and create a more constructive, respectful work environment. In this issue, we explore when and how to take that step.
Anna had been dealing with Thomas, her colleague in the marketing department, for months. At first, his sharp comments about her contributions were easy to brush off. But over time, his critiques became more personal—questioning her abilities in front of the team, dismissing her ideas without reason, and leaving her feeling undermined.
She tried everything she could to address the issue: setting clear boundaries, reframing the conversation, and even attempting to understand his perspective. Yet, despite her efforts, Thomas’ behavior persisted. Feeling increasingly frustrated, Anna began wondering whether her actions were enough or if it was time to involve someone else in the conversation.
It was not easy for Anna to admit, but after weeks of dealing with the situation, she realized that escalating the matter—in this case by involving HR—might be the next logical step. But what did escalation mean in this context? For Anna, it was not about exacerbating the conflict, adding fuel to the fire. Instead, it was about seeking a constructive solution to address the issue and foster a healthier working environment.
How to recognize when it is time to move beyond personal attempts and refer the issue to someone else?
For Anna, it was about asking herself a few key questions:
Is my colleague´s behavior recurring despite my best efforts?
How is it affecting my work and the team´s overall success?
How is this situation contributing to creating a toxic environment?
After reflecting on these questions, Anna decided to escalate the matter to HR. She recognized that this was not about giving up or being a tattletale, but rather about ensuring the issue was handled fairly, professionally, and in a way that prioritized the team’s well-being.
How to bring up the issue to HR or a supervisor?
First and foremost, you want to be as clear and objective as possible when presenting your case. We recommend keeping detailed records of problematic interactions, including dates, times, what was said or done, and importantly the impact on your work and the team.
Identify the right person to approach, making sure that they have the capabilities and authority to address the issue effectively. Some organizations have an HR associate who is trained to deal with this kind of situation. In other cases, your direct manager or a higher-level manager might be the right person to involve.
Before addressing the issue, be clear about what you hope to achieve through escalation, whether it is a change in behavior, improved communication, or fostering a climate of trust and respect within the team.
At this stage, ask yourself how you might have contributed to the problem (even if it is uncomfortable to admit—we always play a role in interpersonal conflict) and how you can actively be part of the solution. To move beyond blaming the other person and take ownership of both past events and future resolutions, consider the following questions:
What part did I play in creating this situation?
What do I need to take responsibility for?
How would I like this relationship to change? What would that look like?
What could I do differently to move this forward?
Let’s imagine that the other person does not change, even after the intervention of a third party. If anything changes, it will be only because you take the initiative. Under this assumption, how would you like to show up in the future?
Frame the conversation by expressing your feelings and experiences without placing blame (e.g., “I feel undervalued when my contributions are overlooked”). Maintain a composed demeanor, while focusing on the facts. It is easier said than done since these conversations are usually loaded with emotion. Try deep breathing to keep you calm.
Address the behavior or situation, not the individual's character. Express how this impacts you and the team. Try using this format:
"When [specific behavior] occurs, it creates [disruption, tension, or uncertainty], which impacts collaboration and team morale. It makes it more difficult for everyone to stay focused and work together efficiently."
7. Be solution-oriented and offer constructive suggestions for resolving the conflict or improving the situation. Focus on what you need and why that is important for you and the team. To avoid misunderstandings, try to be as specific as possible regarding the desired outcomes.
“To move forward, it would be helpful if we could agree on [specific action, e.g., allowing everyone to speak without interruptions during meetings]. This is important because it will enable us to [e.g., listen to different perspectives and tap into the collective wisdom of the team].”
8. Show grace to your difficult colleagues (they might be going through hard times) and try to reframe these difficult conversations as opportunities for growth and better teamwork.
9. Document the meeting including any agreed-upon actions and make sure to follow up.
A final note: Please avoid gossiping before, during, and after the intervention. Refrain from discussing the issue with colleagues who are not involved, as this can escalate tensions, spread rumors, and create a toxic environment.
The Challenge for the next 14 days
As the saying goes “Practice makes perfect”. Therefore, we invite you to prepare a case as if you were going to escalate it. These are the steps:
Document the challenging interaction objectively, noting what was said, its impact on you and your team, and how you have responded so far.
Imagine a constructive conversation with a trusted leader or HR, following the steps mentioned above. Focus on framing the current behaviors objectively and outlining the desired outcome.
By fully engaging in this exercise, you may uncover new strategies to address the challenges with your difficult colleague, potentially resolving the issue before escalation becomes necessary. Ultimately, remember that despite the outcome, it is in your hands to turn this challenging situation into a powerful opportunity for personal growth and professional development. Embrace the chance to grow!
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